Tonight, I was watching some late night episodes of The Jeffersons, Good Times, and Welcome Back Kotter, and it got me thinking about some of the other programs I've enjoyed over the years. One such program is Diff'rent Strokes.

Diff'rent Strokes is a classic example of an old-school TV theme song: the lyrics can be awkward, just as long as the tune is catchy.

Well, the world don't move
To the beat of just one drum
What might be right for you
May not be right for some
A man is born
He's a man of means
Then along come two
They got nothin' but their jeans
But they got
Diff'rent strokes
Diff'rent strokes
Diff'rent strokes to move the world
Everybody's got a special kind of story
Everybody finds a way to shine
It don't matter if you got
Not a lot
So what?
They'll have theirs
And you'll have yours
And I'll have mine
And together we'll be fine
'Cause it takes
Diff'rent strokes to move the world
Yes, it does, it takes
Diff'rent strokes to move the world!

We can thank Alan Thicke, the dad on Growing Pains, for that gem! As corny as the lyrics are, at least it has lyrics. If that show was on today, it would probably just have a techno beat and someone chanting, "Diff'rent strokes ... Diff'rent strokes ... D-d-d-d-diff'rent strokes".

But ... did you ever wonder how Willis and Arnold ended up living with Mr. Drummond and Kimberley in the first place? Judging solely from the opening credits, all signs appear to point to kidnapping.

The actual story?

Mr. Drummond's housekeeper died, and he took custody of her two sons.

When you die, do you think you can get paid out for all of your sick days?

All kidding aside, I think they owe me that money. No one can dispute the fact that I am too ill to come to work. I mean, how much more sick can you get?

I'd be happy to get a doctor's note if they wanted me to.

I'm really excited to see a new season of 30 Days this fall!

30 Days is a TV show created by Morgan Spurlock. He made the documentary Supersize Me, where he showed the effects of eating only McDonald's food for 30 days. Now he has a TV series where people walk in each other's shoes for a month long period. I like it because the people on the show tend to lose a lot of their prejudices, and it can be an eye-opener for viewers. Oprah has frequently featured the people who have appeared on 30 Days on her show.

Last season began with Morgan and his girlfriend living on minimum wage for 30 days. There was also a man who undertook an anti-aging regimine, a Christian man who moved in with a Muslim couple, a straight man who moved in with a gay man, a convenience-loving couple who went to live on an eco-farm, and a mom who took up binge drinking to try to convince her college student daughter to stop.

This season will feature a man spending a month with a family of illegal immigrants, an unemployed man travelling to India to see the other side of outsourcing, an atheist living with a Christian family, a man using new-age methods to improve his personal well being, and a pro-choice advocate living in a pro-life home for pregnant women. The season will conclude with Morgan Spurlock going to county jail for 30 days.

Morgan is also currently working on another feature length documentary about the commercialization of Christmas called What Would Jesus Buy?. This film is due out at the end of 2006.

As part of Folkfest, I got free admission to see "The Quilt of Belonging". This quilt is 36 metres long and 3.5 metres high and includes a textile art piece from 263 international cultures and Aboriginal groups that make up the population of Canada.



"Our vision is to create a collaborative work of art that will recognize Canada's diversity, celebrate our common humanity, and promote harmony and compassion among people."
Folkfest is over, but there is still a chance to see this quilt at the Western Development Museum until October 15, 2006. I plan to go back before the exhibit leaves to take a second, more in-depth, look. There are guidebooks available at the exhibit that tell the meaning of each square and the story of the person who designed it.

Picture taking was not permitted, but you can see each block and read it's story, as well as find out more about the project as a whole by visiting www.quiltofbelonging.ca.

I went to Folkfest this past weekend, and saw all 18 pavillions. It is my favorite Saskatoon summer activity - so much so, that I don't even mind going on my own. For those of you who couldn't (or wouldn't!) come, I took photos everywhere on my "travels". I have posted a few of them here:

Each year, I see people from church visiting and volunteering at the Norweigian and German pavillions. Alice Barth (left) and Esther Grant (right) do Norweigian decorative painting called rosemaling. Alice also made her Bunad (Norweigian costume). Nils Lokken played the fiddle, having just returned from a year away at cultural school in Norway. I also saw a woman from my new church at the German pavillion; she and her sister sing as "The Edelweiss Family".
A young couple from my church saw me at the Irish pavillion, and while we were comparing notes on where we had been so far, they informed me that, "Germany is off the hook!!!". These youth ambassadors from the German pavillion seem ready to get the party started!!!





Ils sont les ambassadeurs du pavillon Francophone.

(I had to get the translation from Natasha's friend, Jerome ... part of why I didn't spend much time there!)

This was a display at the Irish pavillion about the Book of Kells, an ornately illustrated manuscript produced by Celtic monks around 800 AD. It contains the four gospels of the Bible in Latin. The real Book of Kells is on permanent display at the Trinity College Library in Dublin, Ireland.




This wee lassie couldn't resist joining in the Scottish dancing! She was more entertaining than the people up on the stage as she performed each song from the middle of the aisle.

This is the torah from the Jewish pavillion. It is the first five books of the Bible, written in Hebrew, by hand, using a quill pen. It is currently open to Exodus 20, where the ten commandments are listed.



Speaking of commandments ... here is a dancer from the Hispanic pavillion, shaking her "bon bon". From the cheers she received, I'm sure she had a few men in the audience breaking #10 and ready to go for #7 if she was interested!!!


These children are enjoying some stories and crafts "Under the Coconut Tree" at the Afro-Caribbean pavillion.

"Use the Force, Hans ... use the Force."

This boy informed me that in Germany, they eat pretzels for breakfast.
(He'll never surrender to the power of the dark (chocolate) side!!!)

At the Hispanic and Brazil/Egyptian pavilions, there was a lot of energy and colour. This was one of the dancers at the Hispanic pavillion, dancing the flamenco. I also got to see the the Egyptian cane dance, the merengue, the salsa, and the tango, to name a few.

(Most of the dancers' costumes were much more revealing than this one!)


These girls at the German pavilion are walking through the crowd to sell freshly baked pretzels and heart-shaped gingerbread cookies. There was also various cakes and tortes, sauerkraut, schnitzel, potatoe salad, sausages, and pork on a bun - carved right off the pig.
This boy is piping in the haggis at the official opening of the Scottish pavillion. Following the procession, there was a toast to the haggis (a mixture of liver, suet, oatmeal, and spices usually steamed in a sheep's stomach). The Scottish pavillion even offered "haggis ice cream" (A.K.A.: oatmeal chocolate chip)! I didn't have any of either haggis, but I tried a Scottish soft drink called IRN BRU, which I think is the equivalent of Gatorade.



These people are enjoying a game of Mah Jong at the Asia Pacific Pavillion. While I was there, I also saw the dragon dance and a Chinese yo-yo demonstration. I was not able to participate in the Japanese tea ceremony or see any martial arts - but maybe next year!

These Ukrainian dancers sure don't hold still for pictures!!! I didn't take much time to watch the dancing or partake in the Ukrainian cuisine, because I plan to get my fill at Ukrainian Day in the Park. It will be celebrated on Saturday, August 26th from 11 AM to 10 PM between the Bessborough Hotel and the Kiwanis bandshell, and it's a free event open to the public.

I went to the Greek pavillion four times during the three days of Folkfest: as my very first pavillion, and every night before closing. I loved the Greek dancing performances. I couldn't believe the things that some of the more experienced dancers could do!

The main reason I kept coming back to the Greek pavillion nightly was that one of the dancers does an UNBELIEVABLE flip as part of their performance of the "Zorba". I first saw this last year, and I was hoping it would be a repeat event. I was not disappointed, and got it on video on the second night. As you will see, Diemetri is not the only member of this group that has a great deal of energy and talent.



As midnight got closer, there was a lot of clapping and shouts of "OPA!" and A LOT of broken plates and smashed glasses. Occasionally, they had to take a break from dancing in order to sweep the dance floor! The first night, I felt a chunk of broken plate whiz past my head. Now that's what I call entertainment!!!

There were also all types of souveniers to take home from each pavillion: jewellery, clothing, toys, keychains, pins, flags, CDs, books, imported food and drinks, and traditional handicrafts ... just to name a few!!!



These ash trays from the Phillipines bring a whole new meaning to "wood carving"!!! Remember to put that away before Grandma comes over!



These Norweigian love spoons are much more my style. When a Norweigian boy loved a girl, he would carve her a set of love spoons: two wooden spoons connected by a series of chain links. The more the boy loved the girl, the more elaborate and ornate he would make the spoons. By accepting his gift, the girl would also be agreeing to marry the boy. At the wedding, they would use the spoons to eat together from a bowl of traditional porridge. Each set of love spoons is carved from one piece of wood only, and never cut or glued. What an amazing amount of time and talent it must take to craft them, but what a beautiful keepsake they would be to pass on from generation to generation.



There were even souveniers for dogs!
These were on sale at the Jewish pavillion, and are made by "Chewish Things".



This is probably my favorite souvenier booth. I already own three of their t-shirts, and I bought a new one this year that says, "Got Borscht?". They told me that their best seller at Folkfest 2006 was, "My Baba Thinks I'm Cool". If you long to be as cool as your Baba thinks you are, you can find their booth at Ukrainian Day in the Park, Vesna, or next year's Folkfest, or you can e-mail:

graphic.golf@shaw.ca

Today I checked out the new channels that are being added to Sasktel Max this fall. One of them is "The Christian Channel", which is "a nationally licensed digital television service like no other, proclaiming the values of the Christian Church to Canadians, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The Christian Channel is a television service designed to entertain, inform, enlighten and inspire all practicing Christians and those still seeking".

I started to scroll through what programs appear on this channel, and I was so excited to see that they will be airing Highway to Heaven three times a day, six days a week! Maybe I'm just a big "Luther", but I love that show!!! I can remember watching it with my family when I was in elementary school. I already have the first three seasons of it on DVD, and I plan to collect all five (mainly because you couldn't watch it on TV anymore, until now!).

The premise of Highway to Heaven (NBC: 1984-89) is that Jonathan Smith (Michael Landon) is a probationary angel who has been sent to Earth to help people help themselves. His sidekick is a cynical, retired police officer named Mark Gordon (Victor French). Jonathan met Mark as part of his assignment in the premiere episode to help Mark's sister and the residents of the nursing home that employs her. Each episode, Jonathan receives his assignment from "The Boss" (God), and he and Mark pose as subsitute teachers, house painters, sports physicians, camp counsellors, handymen, priests, bodyguards, etc. in order to get close enough for Jonathan to help and counsel the individual. When this is done, the pair move on to an other unknown assignment in Mark's aging grey Ford LTD sedan.

One of the best parts is that 20 years has passed, and you can also enjoy a bit of a laugh when things get too cheesy or too "80s".

Another one of the entertaining aspects are biting personal comments that Jonathan sometimes makes to the people he has been assigned to help. Shannon dubbed these comments "angel burns", and I enjoy shouting, "BURN!!!" whenever one occurs. Some examples are:

"I can't leave my sister! I'm all she has!"
"You're not all your sister has - but your sister's all you have."

BURN!!!

"I feel sorry for you, Mr. Gaylord. You're a hero to strangers - but a stranger to your own children."

BURN!!!

YOU CAN WATCH "The Christian Channel" ON
Sasktel Max - Channel 282
Roger's Digital Cable - Channel 396
Star Choice - Channel 399
MTS (Manitoba Telecom Services) TV - Channel 21

Highway to Heaven airs
ON WEEKDAYS AT 11 AM, 3 PM , and 11 PM CENTRAL TIME
and
ON SATURDAYS AT 10 AM, 3 PM, and 10 PM CENTRAL TIME

As some of you may know, I did not have a driver's licence for the first five years that I lived in Saskatoon. As a result, I considered myself somewhat of a "transit route expert". If there was a way to get somewhere by bus, I knew it ... much to the delight of some residents at my job, and the dismay of others:

"Karen ... can you come pick me up in the van?"
"Walk to 12th Street, and get on the #8. See you in 30 minutes."

Last week, someone had the bright idea that we should take the bus to the Exhibition to save "the hassle and expense of parking". There was a shuttle bus to the Exhibition every twenty minutes, but we took the bus to the terminal to get on the shuttle as well. I didn't mind it back in the day, but now that they have changed the routes, and when I am dragging a whole bunch of teenagers along with me, it goes something like this:

Come on, everyone, we're going to miss the bus.
Let's get going, or we'll have to wait another half an hour.
Come on if you want to go to the Exhibition!!!
Karen, I think we missed the bus.
Well, we'll just wait at the stop if we have to.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Go ahead. We'll be at the bus stop.
Did we miss it?
No, the bus comes at ten after.
Karen, do I have time to go to the bathroom?
Yes.
How long will it take us to get there?
I don't know.
Karen, when does the bus come? I think we missed the bus.
Why don't you call the number and find out for sure?
Okay.
(try to call, but call waiting cuts me off)
Karen, do you know the name of Alice's manager at Boston Pizza?
Alice? What is your manager's name?
Alice went to the bathroom.
Alice went to the bathroom.
Call me back when you know.
Alice, what is your manager's name?
Pete.
Did you find out when the bus comes?
No, Captain interupted my call.
(call Captain back, she doesn't answer, call buses)
The bus comes at ten after.
(call Captain)
The manager's name is Pete.
I think we missed the bus.
(another bus goes by, on the other side of the street, to Lawson Heights)
Why don't we take that bus to the Ex?
That bus is going the wrong way.
(as sarcastically as humanly possible) So???
We are going this way, and that bus is going the opposite way.
(blank stare)
The Ex is that way.
Maybe the bus will turn around later, and go that way.
It will, but, it will take much longer.
One time I took that bus to get ice cream.
Yes - but Dairy Queen is the opposite way from where we are going today.
(as sarcastically as humanly possible) So???
Feel free to take that bus if you want. It will get to the Ex eventually.
DON'T LAUGH AT ME!!!

*names have been changed for reasons of confidentiality

Recently, they "improved" the transit system. One of the changes they made was that buses only come once an hour after 6 PM, when it used to be once an hour after 10 PM. This "improvement" resulted in an hour long wait downtown. This gave Charlene and I lots of opportunity to play games to pass the time, such as "Guess the Gang", "Who's High?", and "Grip Your Purse As Hard As You Can".

It also gave us time to reflect on the fact that it would have cost us $5 to park, ten minutes to drive, and five minutes to walk from our van. Instead it cost us $20 of bus tickets and took us 90 minutes.

As if I did not get enough on Thursday, I decided to return to the Exhibition on Saturday via the shuttle bus. This time, however, I decided to "Park and Ride" by leaving my car at Market Mall and departing from there. This is not a bad system ... if you don't have any other plans for the day. I also wanted to attend a Fringe play at 6 PM, and ended up back that the mall at 5:55 PM. I would have been there at 5:35 PM, but I foolishly chose to use the washroom before leaving the Exhibition grounds, and missed the shuttle bus by a minute.

I am taking my car to Folkfest.

Today I found a kindred spirit at my workplace, when one of the residents asked me out of the blue, "Do you have the movie It's A Wonderful Life? Can you bring it? It's my very favorite". For those of you who have never seen Frank Capra's It's a Wonderful Life, and those of you who love it as I do, here is a 30 second version, re-enacted by bunnies.

http://www.angryalien.com/1204/wonderful_lifebuns.asp
PS: You can find more bunny movie re-enactments at http://www.angryalien.com

Natasha, Greg "Dishpig" Landucci, and I went to see Giant Invisible Robot at the Fringe today. I was pretty skeptical, judging by the title and the description in the Fringe program:

Giant Invisible Robot is complicated fellow, he fly on super science jet pack, destroy all building, everyone run and scream. No one want Robot. Sometimes Robot sit quiet, look at sky, catch bird and squish. No one understand Robot except friend Russel. But sometimes Robot want to squish Russel too.

Natasha talked me into it, saying that it "got great reviews" and "it's a metaphor". I love a metaphor, so I went, expecting foolish and zany hilarity.

Stupid robot play made me cry.

It was silly and funny. The sound effects, mostly created by Jayson McDonald himself, added a lot. There was a lot of verbal and physical comedy that totally cracked me up, including the beach towl-cape wearing Captain Victory, who excourages kids to stay in school, because "school is cool" ... unless, of course, you're going to be a professional skateboarder or rock star, and need all the time you can get to practice.

Jayson McDonald proved to be a great dramatic as well as comedic actor in the climax of the play where he explains to his therapist why Robot is "the only friend he had, and the only friend he needs". Natasha felt empathy for misunderstood Robot, who appeared for a monologue as two glowing red eyes and an echoing voice. The final scene, a flashback where Russell and Robot swear their friendship to each other over a game of pop-o-matic Candyland, finally reduced me to tears.

The only downfall was the horribly uncomfortable chairs in the Victoria School gym. As Natasha so eloquently phrased it, "I laughed ... I cried ... my ass hurts".

The last performance of Giant Invisible Robot in Saskatoon is at Venue 3 (Victoria School Gym) on Sunday, August 13th at 8:00pm.

I would strongly recommend this play, but:

DANGER, DANGER, SHANNON JOHNSON!!!.
(I know you are reading this, and if I cried ...)

Last night I went to see Dishpig, a one-man play performed by Greg Landucci, the Fringe actor who is currently staying with Natasha and Gordie. Dishpig was written by Greg and T. J. Dawe.

There was a bit of a debate between Greg and Natasha last night about whether the person visiting or the person hosting is "the billet". According to the dictionary:

bil·let·ed, bil·let·ing, bil·lets

1. To lodge (soldiers).
2. To serve (a person) with a written order to provide lodging for soldiers.
3. To assign lodging to.
4. To be quartered; lodge.

Honestly, that didn't really clear it up for me either, but ...

Who wouldn't be thrilled to have this face greet you each morning?

Seriously, Greg is a really nice guy, and lots of fun to hang out with. He paid for my drinks at the Yard and Flaggon last night, including the one I spilled in Gordie's lap due to my outrage at the audacity of Greg's grandparents' pastor ("All law, no gospel, make Hulk angry!"). He also endured me staring him straight in the face for a prolonged period of time while I tried to figure out if he was "that Dishpig guy" when I ran into him on the corner of Broadway and 11th last Thursday afternoon.

Dishpig is a hilarious play! I highly recommend it to anyone who ever worked in a restaurant, ever worked anywhere, ever did large amounts of dishes, or ever wanted to see a Fringe play but didn't know which one to go to.

Catch one of Greg's remaining shows!!!

Venue 2 - The Victoria School Auditorium

Tuesday, August 8 at 7:30 PM
Wednesday, August 9 at 10:30 PM
Saturday, August 12 at 6:00 PM

IF YOU MISS DISHPIG, YOU BETTER BE DEAD OR IN JAIL ...
AND IF YOU'RE IN JAIL ... BREAK OUT!!!
BE THERE ...

I was very sad this week to discover that BBC Canada appears to have removed "Father Ted" from their Tuesday night Britcoms line-up. I first saw "Father Ted" on CBC in the mid 90s, and recently got back into it this past year. I've phoned and e-mailed the station, but maybe there is only so much mileage you can get out of 24 episodes and a Christmas special. Still, in the immortal words of Father Ted, "Down with this sort of thing!".

For those of you who have never seen "Father Ted", it is a half-hour comedy about three Roman Catholic priests who preside over a parish on Craggy Island: Father Ted Crilly, Father Dougal McGuire and retired Father Jack Hackett. The three live together, along with their manic housekeeper, Mrs. Doyle, who is constantly forcing tea on everyone and falling off the roof and window ledges while trying to clean. Father Jack is alcoholic, lecherous, violent and foul-mouthed. Dougal, the young priest, has an inability to grasp even the simplest of everyday concepts. Father Ted is left to try to hold the house and community together, but dreams of one day escaping to a more exciting and wealthy parish. Father Ted was sent to Craggy Island for misappropriating church funds, although he always claimed, "That money was only resting in my account".

Some of my favorite "Father Ted" quotations:

Father Dougal: I know! We'll lure them into a giant BINGO game!
Father Ted: And how are we going to do that?
Father Dougal: We'll print up some BINGO cards on our printing press and ... oh.
Father Ted: Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down there. Or BINGO balls. Or a PA system. Or in fact, any BINGO paraphernalia at all.
Father Dougal: Damn. So near, yet so far.

Father Ted: I know what's going on, Pat Mustard. There are some very hairy babies on Craggy Island, and I think you are the hairy baby-maker.
Pat Mustard: Oh, yeah? Well, I think that you would need proof if you were going to make that sort of an accusation. And I'm a very careful man, Father. A very careful man!
Father Ted: Except when it comes to taking precautions in the bedroom.
Pat Mustard: Ah, w-... you certainly wouldn't be advising the use of artificial contraception now, Father, would you?
Father Ted: Yes, I... well... if you're going to be... of course you will... JUST FECK OFF!

Father Dougal: What are you doing, Dougal?
Father Ted: Watching television, Ted.
Father Ted: Chewing gum for the eyes.
Father Dougal: No thanks, Ted.

Father Ted: It's fabulous being a priest. Think of all that comfort you bring to the sick and dying. They love it! They can't get enough of it!

Father Ted: What was that sermon about?
Father Dougal: Sorry, Ted, I was concentrating too hard on looking holy.

Father Buzz Cagney: How much money did this parish take in last year?
Father Ted: About $400.
Father Buzz: You know what I do with $400? I wipe my ass with it.
Father Ted: Good God. And can that still be used as legal tender?

Father Ted: I'm not Santa. In fact, I'm the opposite of Santa.
Father Dougal: The anti-Santa!?!

Father Dougal: I don't believe in organized religion.

[Tom has just robbed the local post office]
Father Ted: Are you up to your old tricks, Tom?
Tom: No, Father. It's my money. I just didn't want to fill out the forms.

Father Ted: Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas priests... more drink!

Father Dougal: Ahh, lets see, I'll have the Hindu curry, steak and chips, and a glass of Coke, thanks.
Policeman: Do you know where you are? You're in a police station.
Father Dougal: Oh right. Well, in that case, I'll just have the satay chicken.

[to his pet rabbit]
Father Dougal: Come on, Sampras.
Father Ted: What did you call him?
Father Dougal: Sampras, like Pete Sampras.
Father Ted: Why?
Father Dougal: Well... you know, rabbits, tennis, you know that whole connection there.

Father Ted: Ah, Sister Assumpta!
Sister Assumpta: Hello Father!
Father Ted: Dougal, Dougal, do you remember Sister Assumpta?
Father Dougal: Er, no.
Father Ted: She was here last year! And then we stayed with her in the convent, back in Kildare. Do you remember it? Ah, you do! And then you were hit by the car when you went down to the shops for the paper. You must remember all that? And then you won a hundred pounds with your lottery card? Ah, you must remember it, Dougal!
[Dougal shakes his head]
Sister Assumpta: And weren't you accidentally arrested for shoplifting? I remember we had to go down to the police station to get you!... And the police station went on fire? And you had to be rescued by helicopter?
Father Ted: Do you remember? You can't remember any of that? The helicopter! When you fell out of the helicopter! Over the zoo! Do you remember the tigers?
[Dougal shakes his head some more]
Father Ted: You don't remember? You were wearing your blue jumper.
Father Dougal: Ah, Sister Assumpta!

Father Dougal: Well, Ted, as I said last time, it won't happen again.

Father Ted: How long has Father Jack been living in there?
Father Dougal: Uh, he started just a few days after you left.
Father Ted: Maybe he's agoraphobic?
Father Dougal: Jack scared of fighting? I don't think so Ted.

Mrs. Doyle: Father Crilly, Pat wants to know if he can put his massive tool in my box.
Father Ted: Now see here!
[Pat holds up a huge wrench]
Pat Mustard: It won't fit in mine.

Father Ted: Meals are at eleven, one, half-two, three, five, seven, and nine, and if you want a quick snack, you can just ask Mrs. Doyle there.

Tom: Father! I've killed a man.
Father Ted: Er, well, we'll talk about that later, Tom. Right now, I'm going to be on the telly!

[Ted answers the phone]
Bishop Brennan: Crilly, It's me.
Father Ted: Oh, feck!
Bishop Brennan: What?!?!
Father Ted:[in French accent] Who ees thees? Zere is no Creely 'ere.
[Ted hangs up]
Father Ted: God Almighty! I just said "feck" to Bishop Brennan!
Father Dougal: Oho! He won't like that!
Father Ted: It might be alright, though. I disguised my voice so he'd think he dialed the wrong number.
[phone rings, Ted picks it up]
Father Ted: Ah, Bishop Brennan. I think you must have got the wrong number when you called there.

Father Ted: No, no, no, no. Father Nolan was in the gas explosion. It punched a hole in his chest the size of a football. When they found him afterwards, they were only able to identify him by his dental records.
Father Dougal: Poor Father Nolan!
Father Ted: Yes, he's very low at the moment.

[Ted is trying to prove he isn't a racist by buying drinks for Chinese men.]
Father Ted:[raising his glass] To China!
All: Cheer!
Chinese man: [raising his glass] To Craggy Island!
All: Cheer!
Father Ted: More drink!
All: Cheer!
Bartender: I'm sorry, the bar's closed.
All: Cheer!
Father Ted: How about we all go back to my place for a drink?
All: Cheer!
Father Dougal: Wait, I need to go to the toilet first.
All: Cheer!

Father Ted: Risen from the dead. Like that fella ... ET.

Mrs. Doyle: There's always time for a nice cup of tea. Sure, didn't the Lord himself pause for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world?
Father Ted: No, he didn't, Mrs. Doyle!
Mrs. Doyle: Well, whatever the equivalent they had for tea in those days, cake or something. And speaking of cake, I have cake!
[holds up a cupcake]
Father Ted: No, thanks, Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs. Doyle: Are you sure, Father? There's cocaine in it!
Father Ted: WHAT?
Mrs. Doyle: Oh, no, not cocaine. God, what am I on about. No, what d'you call them. Raisins.

Father Ted: It's just a rush. I feel fearless. Like Jeff Bridges in that movie.
Father Dougal: I didn't see that one.
Father Ted: Not many people have, Dougal. It's probably a bad reference.

Bishop Facks: So, Father. Do you ever have any doubts about the religious life? Is your faith ever tested? Anything you would be worried about? Any doubts you've been having about any aspects of belief? Anything like that?
Father Dougal: Well, you know the way God made us all, right? And he's looking down at us from heaven and everything?
Bishop Facks: [nods] Uh-huh.
Father Dougal: And then his son came down and saved everyone and all that?
Bishop Facks: Yes.
Father Dougal: And when we die we're all going to go to heaven?
Bishop Facks: Yes. What about it?
Father Dougal: Well, that's the bit I have trouble with.

Father Ted: That's the great thing about Catholicism: it's very vague and no one knows what its really all about.

[protesting outside a movie theatre]
Father Ted: Down with this sort of thing!
Father Dougal: Careful now!

Father Ted: It's not as if everyone's going to go off and join some mad religious cult just because we go off for a picnic for a couple of hours.
Father Dougal: God, Ted, I heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's gonna come back and judge us all!
Father Ted: No... No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.