I was very sad this week to discover that BBC Canada appears to have removed "Father Ted" from their Tuesday night Britcoms line-up. I first saw "Father Ted" on CBC in the mid 90s, and recently got back into it this past year. I've phoned and e-mailed the station, but maybe there is only so much mileage you can get out of 24 episodes and a Christmas special. Still, in the immortal words of Father Ted, "Down with this sort of thing!".

For those of you who have never seen "Father Ted", it is a half-hour comedy about three Roman Catholic priests who preside over a parish on Craggy Island: Father Ted Crilly, Father Dougal McGuire and retired Father Jack Hackett. The three live together, along with their manic housekeeper, Mrs. Doyle, who is constantly forcing tea on everyone and falling off the roof and window ledges while trying to clean. Father Jack is alcoholic, lecherous, violent and foul-mouthed. Dougal, the young priest, has an inability to grasp even the simplest of everyday concepts. Father Ted is left to try to hold the house and community together, but dreams of one day escaping to a more exciting and wealthy parish. Father Ted was sent to Craggy Island for misappropriating church funds, although he always claimed, "That money was only resting in my account".

Some of my favorite "Father Ted" quotations:

Father Dougal: I know! We'll lure them into a giant BINGO game!
Father Ted: And how are we going to do that?
Father Dougal: We'll print up some BINGO cards on our printing press and ... oh.
Father Ted: Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down there. Or BINGO balls. Or a PA system. Or in fact, any BINGO paraphernalia at all.
Father Dougal: Damn. So near, yet so far.

Father Ted: I know what's going on, Pat Mustard. There are some very hairy babies on Craggy Island, and I think you are the hairy baby-maker.
Pat Mustard: Oh, yeah? Well, I think that you would need proof if you were going to make that sort of an accusation. And I'm a very careful man, Father. A very careful man!
Father Ted: Except when it comes to taking precautions in the bedroom.
Pat Mustard: Ah, w-... you certainly wouldn't be advising the use of artificial contraception now, Father, would you?
Father Ted: Yes, I... well... if you're going to be... of course you will... JUST FECK OFF!

Father Dougal: What are you doing, Dougal?
Father Ted: Watching television, Ted.
Father Ted: Chewing gum for the eyes.
Father Dougal: No thanks, Ted.

Father Ted: It's fabulous being a priest. Think of all that comfort you bring to the sick and dying. They love it! They can't get enough of it!

Father Ted: What was that sermon about?
Father Dougal: Sorry, Ted, I was concentrating too hard on looking holy.

Father Buzz Cagney: How much money did this parish take in last year?
Father Ted: About $400.
Father Buzz: You know what I do with $400? I wipe my ass with it.
Father Ted: Good God. And can that still be used as legal tender?

Father Ted: I'm not Santa. In fact, I'm the opposite of Santa.
Father Dougal: The anti-Santa!?!

Father Dougal: I don't believe in organized religion.

[Tom has just robbed the local post office]
Father Ted: Are you up to your old tricks, Tom?
Tom: No, Father. It's my money. I just didn't want to fill out the forms.

Father Ted: Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas priests... more drink!

Father Dougal: Ahh, lets see, I'll have the Hindu curry, steak and chips, and a glass of Coke, thanks.
Policeman: Do you know where you are? You're in a police station.
Father Dougal: Oh right. Well, in that case, I'll just have the satay chicken.

[to his pet rabbit]
Father Dougal: Come on, Sampras.
Father Ted: What did you call him?
Father Dougal: Sampras, like Pete Sampras.
Father Ted: Why?
Father Dougal: Well... you know, rabbits, tennis, you know that whole connection there.

Father Ted: Ah, Sister Assumpta!
Sister Assumpta: Hello Father!
Father Ted: Dougal, Dougal, do you remember Sister Assumpta?
Father Dougal: Er, no.
Father Ted: She was here last year! And then we stayed with her in the convent, back in Kildare. Do you remember it? Ah, you do! And then you were hit by the car when you went down to the shops for the paper. You must remember all that? And then you won a hundred pounds with your lottery card? Ah, you must remember it, Dougal!
[Dougal shakes his head]
Sister Assumpta: And weren't you accidentally arrested for shoplifting? I remember we had to go down to the police station to get you!... And the police station went on fire? And you had to be rescued by helicopter?
Father Ted: Do you remember? You can't remember any of that? The helicopter! When you fell out of the helicopter! Over the zoo! Do you remember the tigers?
[Dougal shakes his head some more]
Father Ted: You don't remember? You were wearing your blue jumper.
Father Dougal: Ah, Sister Assumpta!

Father Dougal: Well, Ted, as I said last time, it won't happen again.

Father Ted: How long has Father Jack been living in there?
Father Dougal: Uh, he started just a few days after you left.
Father Ted: Maybe he's agoraphobic?
Father Dougal: Jack scared of fighting? I don't think so Ted.

Mrs. Doyle: Father Crilly, Pat wants to know if he can put his massive tool in my box.
Father Ted: Now see here!
[Pat holds up a huge wrench]
Pat Mustard: It won't fit in mine.

Father Ted: Meals are at eleven, one, half-two, three, five, seven, and nine, and if you want a quick snack, you can just ask Mrs. Doyle there.

Tom: Father! I've killed a man.
Father Ted: Er, well, we'll talk about that later, Tom. Right now, I'm going to be on the telly!

[Ted answers the phone]
Bishop Brennan: Crilly, It's me.
Father Ted: Oh, feck!
Bishop Brennan: What?!?!
Father Ted:[in French accent] Who ees thees? Zere is no Creely 'ere.
[Ted hangs up]
Father Ted: God Almighty! I just said "feck" to Bishop Brennan!
Father Dougal: Oho! He won't like that!
Father Ted: It might be alright, though. I disguised my voice so he'd think he dialed the wrong number.
[phone rings, Ted picks it up]
Father Ted: Ah, Bishop Brennan. I think you must have got the wrong number when you called there.

Father Ted: No, no, no, no. Father Nolan was in the gas explosion. It punched a hole in his chest the size of a football. When they found him afterwards, they were only able to identify him by his dental records.
Father Dougal: Poor Father Nolan!
Father Ted: Yes, he's very low at the moment.

[Ted is trying to prove he isn't a racist by buying drinks for Chinese men.]
Father Ted:[raising his glass] To China!
All: Cheer!
Chinese man: [raising his glass] To Craggy Island!
All: Cheer!
Father Ted: More drink!
All: Cheer!
Bartender: I'm sorry, the bar's closed.
All: Cheer!
Father Ted: How about we all go back to my place for a drink?
All: Cheer!
Father Dougal: Wait, I need to go to the toilet first.
All: Cheer!

Father Ted: Risen from the dead. Like that fella ... ET.

Mrs. Doyle: There's always time for a nice cup of tea. Sure, didn't the Lord himself pause for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world?
Father Ted: No, he didn't, Mrs. Doyle!
Mrs. Doyle: Well, whatever the equivalent they had for tea in those days, cake or something. And speaking of cake, I have cake!
[holds up a cupcake]
Father Ted: No, thanks, Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs. Doyle: Are you sure, Father? There's cocaine in it!
Father Ted: WHAT?
Mrs. Doyle: Oh, no, not cocaine. God, what am I on about. No, what d'you call them. Raisins.

Father Ted: It's just a rush. I feel fearless. Like Jeff Bridges in that movie.
Father Dougal: I didn't see that one.
Father Ted: Not many people have, Dougal. It's probably a bad reference.

Bishop Facks: So, Father. Do you ever have any doubts about the religious life? Is your faith ever tested? Anything you would be worried about? Any doubts you've been having about any aspects of belief? Anything like that?
Father Dougal: Well, you know the way God made us all, right? And he's looking down at us from heaven and everything?
Bishop Facks: [nods] Uh-huh.
Father Dougal: And then his son came down and saved everyone and all that?
Bishop Facks: Yes.
Father Dougal: And when we die we're all going to go to heaven?
Bishop Facks: Yes. What about it?
Father Dougal: Well, that's the bit I have trouble with.

Father Ted: That's the great thing about Catholicism: it's very vague and no one knows what its really all about.

[protesting outside a movie theatre]
Father Ted: Down with this sort of thing!
Father Dougal: Careful now!

Father Ted: It's not as if everyone's going to go off and join some mad religious cult just because we go off for a picnic for a couple of hours.
Father Dougal: God, Ted, I heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's gonna come back and judge us all!
Father Ted: No... No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.