I love Christmas music. I have approximately 30 Christmas albums, which seems like a lot until you remember that I am listening to them from Remembrance Day to Ukrainian New Years. The holidays are not a happy time for everyone, so every so often, you come across some "Christmas hurtin' music".

One such song is "Hard Candy Christmas" by Dolly Parton. This song makes "Blue Christmas" look like "Jingle Bells". It is from The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, but also appears on a Christmas album by Kenny Rogers and Dolly. In the song, Dolly weighs her options for the festive season, such as "dye my hair", "learn to sew", "count the stars until the dawn", or "just get drunk on apple wine", but keeps on reaffirming:

Me, I'll be just
Fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won't let
Sorrow bring me way down

The best part of this song comes at the very end, where Dolly forlornly and quietly whispers, "Oh, I'll be fine ...".

I'm not exactly sure what a "hard candy Christmas" is, but I assume it dates back to Dolly's days in the mountains of Tennessee. I'm guessing that all they could afford or would get as a gift during the lean years would be hard candy, because it is inexpensive. I always think of this song in connection to the time I dyed my hand brown in the Sponge Toffee-Making Incident of Christmas 2003.

Another song often found on contemporary Christmas albums is "Baby, It's Cold Outside". This song seems to have less to do with Christmas than it does with date rape:

The neighbors might think ...
Baby, it's bad out there!
Say, what's in this drink?
No cabs to be had out there.
I wish I knew how
Your eyes are like starlight now.
To break this spell!
I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell!
I ought to say no, no, no, sir.
Mind if I move a little closer?
At least I'm gonna say that I tried.
What's the sense in hurting my pride?
I really can't stay.
Baby, don't hold out!
Ahh, but it's cold outside!

"Please Come Home For Christmas" is about a friendless man whose girlfriend has deserted him at the holidays:

Bells will be ringing
The glad, glad news
Oh, what a Christmas
To have the blues
My baby's gone
I have no friends
To wish me greetings
Once again

He sure doesn't mince words, does he? I don't know why no one wants to come over to his house for Christmas ...

Choirs will be singing
"Silent Night"
Christmas carols
By candlelight
Please, come home for Christmas
Please, come home for Christmas
If not for Christmas
Then by New Year's Night

He should have added a little GHB to her eggnog, like the other guy did!

My favorite Christmas song, "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas", sometimes falls into this category. I like it because, if you are in an upbeat mood, it affirms that life, and Christmas, are great:

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yuletide gay,
From now on,
our troubles will be miles away.

However, if you are in a depressed mood, it takes on a note of sarcastic and cruel irony:

Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.

Through the years
We all will be together,
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now.